I’m Asari (Episode 31): The Ambition to be Ambitious Again

Okay people, I have an announcement and it is to tell all of you that I am off men. Yes, I know that you will say that it is because of Abdul but putting my shattered bleeding heart aside and frankly speaking; it is not because of him. As some of you may know, my birthday is fast approaching and thinking about adding another year to my age sort of made me introspective. And when you become introspective, even for a moment; you start realizing things.

Things like “Am I ever going to achieve my goals and ambitions in life?” “I hate my job” or “I’ll never be good enough to get a very good hosting job” or things about your marital status and don’t even get me started on that. The pressure to get married at my age is insane and I am not even up to thirty years old yet; so I can’t imagine what unmarried women in their thirties are going through.

It’s not as if my parents are putting pressure on me (Parents means my father in this case); my mother does her pressurizing in a very subtle and “Loving” way. First, she calls me into her room; then asks me about my ambition in life and when I tell her about everything I want to become in my life.

She then asks “what about a wife? Don’t you want to become a wife and a mother someday?” and she starts telling me how no matter what I achieve in this life, as long as I am not a mother it won’t mean much. Then we start arguing because such statements upset me and then she apologizes to me and I apologize to her for making her apologize it me.

It’s a routine I have not and can’t get used to, a routine that often happens on my birthday starting from when I turned twenty two; a routine I know is coming close and I’m not looking forward to at all. I thought about all my relationships till date, wondering why I had never even gotten any of my boyfriends to propose to me but Kate could get Abdul to propose to her in three months… my mind attempted to go towards thoughts about Abdul, regrets and how I am not good enough for him but I stopped myself and went back to my deep introspection.

I realized that I am one of those types of women who found it very easy to abandon their ambitions and others for their relationship; I know you are going to ask me what relationship since I haven’t been in a relationship in a while but I’ve been close. And I can say that all those times I was in a situationship either with Max or Abdul or Tobe sef; I in some way forgot about myself and the things or should I say goals and ambitions that I had for myself.

Honestly speaking, I was boy obsessed; wondering what they thought about me, if they liked me, why I was kissed by any of them and what the next date was going to be like… I was always thinking about those boys that I never even for a second remembered that I had the dream and ambition to become a famous TV host. Not until the day I was talking to Abdul about Max (the period when we were trying to be “just” friends); that he told me to focus on myself, my dreams, my goals and my ambitions in life.

I mean, nobody ever gave me such good advice; not even me to me. It was from taking his advice that I got those auditions and even managed to get a job for that pervert Mr. Adesiji. Hmmm… Abdul… if only… never mind.

Another thing I realized about myself rather about life is that, having a type sucks. There, I said it… we especially women were misled by romantic novels to think that the only man for you must be tall dark and handsome; even look at all the Disney cartoons. Have you ever seen an ugly prince? They are all handsome; except beauty and the beast but the beast was a billionaire, he owned a castle. And that is such an unrealistic ambition or goal to expect in life.

Okay look at my situation with Abdul, at the time I had a type; tall rich and handsome right and I had met Max at the time who met that criteria but something wasn’t complete between us. Now look at Abdul who was not as handsome or tall as Max but was rich, intelligent, funny, caring and we had a great connection but I rejected him because he was not handsome. He lacked one very small part of the criteria but because of my shallowness; I rejected him.

I don’t want to talk about Abdul but I am now learning that good things come in different packages; packages that we don’t expect them to come in. So, that’s that. I don’t have a type any more. Where ever loves comes from is fine as long as everything between us is awesome. Everyone is beautiful in their own way and it takes another beautiful person to see the beauty within another; especially when it is tough to see.

The last thing I realized is that, men will come and go but I will always be with myself; so it is better to do the things that make my happiness, ambitions and goals a priority instead of prioritizing a man above myself. A man that can leave me any day, any time.

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