I’m Asari (Episode 46): I Let My Mind Go Wild

So I stood there in the kitchen filled with guilt for being selfish, insensitive and unappreciative of my; my mind all over the place because I was desperately thinking of what I could possibly tell her to appease her. I gulped the remaining wine from the glass she left behind but I didn’t feel better.

She was already packing her things when I went back to the room “I’m sorry” was all I could say. She looked at me “if you didn’t want me to come, you shouldn’t have offered” “no no no. It’s not that I didn’t want you to come” “then what was it?” this conversation didn’t stop her from packing. In my mind I believed that if I let her leave then she was still upset with me.

“Can you stop packing and let us talk? Please” it would kill me if she actually left my house upset with me but she didn’t listen. She continued packing, so I was forced to explain my side to her as she folded her clothes and arranged jewelry in her bag. I had to confess to her that my mind was going crazy because I felt my mother wanted to replace her with me.

“I understand where you are coming from. I totally get it” this time she stopped packing and sat on the bed. “So you will stay?” I asked, happy that she had forgiven me so quickly. “No” she replied.

I was disappointed but I understood her reasons; she told me that staying meant that she was going to continue waking up early to do chores, chores she needed to do to take her mind off things and even though I was sorry for saying the things I said to her. Her chores were not going to stop my feelings of jealousy and sense of losing my mother. “I don’t want to take care of my mind and make you lose yours at the same time” she had to go for peace to reign.

It was 9:00 am and her Uber arrived, yes… she rejected my offer to drop her off with my mother’s car. “By the way, Abdul called me” she uttered as she put her bags in the car. “What do you mean Abdul called you?” yup… it was a sentence that my mind didn’t comprehend.

“Abdul called me. He said that he has been unable to reach you” which is because I blocked him but I let her continue “he said that he didn’t want to show up at your house unannounced” “okay” was all I could say.

Lota looked at me as if she was just seeing me for the first time “okay? That’s all you can say?” “What do you want me to say? If someone blocks you, it means that they do not want to hear from you” “oh you blocked him? I didn’t know now. No problem. Maybe I will block him too so that he won’t call me again” she said looking at my face for a reaction but I bet my face was as neutral as they come “whatever makes you comfortable” I replied and bade her farewell.

Her announcement about Abdul didn’t sink into my soul until I went back to my room. I sat on my bed and my mind began to go wild. Why did Abdul want to reach me? What was so important that he needed to speak to me so desperately? Why did he even call my friend? And lastly, how did he get Lota’s number? I certainly don’t remember giving him her number or the number of any of my friends.

My heart started to race… hmmmn… why? I don’t know. I just knew that the urge to talk to him and hear his voice once again overtook my mind and body. Only god knows why I feel this way about this guy. I thought I was completely over him but if the mention of his name could bring such reaction out of me then imagine if I saw him, if I bumped into him somewhere. God forbid… god forbid bad thing.

If you must know, I neither called nor unblocked him; I figured that this was a test and so far I was determined to pass. I was determined to get over him and move on with my life. Do I still miss him? Indeed but does it get easier by the day? Certainly and I know that eventually he would be completely out of my system and life will really move on.

I know for sure that I cannot take anymore Abdul drama; going through him saying he didn’t love me, then telling me he loved me just to dump me and get engaged then not get married; was only so much for me to take. Ever since we said good bye in that hotel room, my life has been drama free and I intend to keep it that way.

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