One of the toughest things I’ve ever had to do in my life was sit in the same car with the minister of women affairs and pretend to be a sane person; when in fact I had gone partially insane. I looked at the twitter profile of the person who posted about Abdul’s engagement and it was someone I didn’t know. I began to ponder and wonder how that person ended up on my timeline; because it was neither a retweet nor a repost by someone I intentionally followed on twitter.
He was not someone I followed intentionally if not I would have remembered following him, so how in god’s name did I follow him and give him the opportunity and power to make me insane on this very day. So, I blocked him. I blocked for the same reason that you kill a snake the moment you set your eyes on it; the only difference was that this snake had bitten me and still had to treat my wound of insanity.
I knew my mother was going to want to hear everything that happen; I thought about different ways to avoid that woman and go straight to my room but none was viable enough. So I came up with a plan that I prayed will help keep my insane mind at bay and give me time to tell my mother everything that happened before I finally go completely insane.
Just like I feared, my mother was waiting for me in the living room when I entered. I greeted her and started telling her what happened with the first lady but a few minutes in I realized that I couldn’t take it anymore; because the picture of Abdul and Kate with that bloody ring on her finger kept haunting me so I carried myself to the kitchen.
I took a big heap of pottage yam and started stuffing my mouth with yam; to my mum, I looked like a hungry gorilla but within myself I knew that my insane level was gradually increasing.
“Awww, I see that you are very hungry. Let me allow you eat, we’ll talk later” glorious words from my mother “we’ll continue when I come back, I’m going to the market” even more glorious words from her.
The moment I heard the front door close shut behind her, I began to cry. I cried to the point that I couldn’t even swallow the remaining yam in my mouth; so I spit it out. I shifted from being insane to being really really sad.
I wondered if there was something wrong with me, there had to be something wrong with me; if not he would have forgiven me for our blow out the other day and come back to me. I blamed myself, I blamed myself for everything and my mind was very quick to bring out all the reasons why I should blame myself for everything.
I thought about the first day we met and how I should have never rejected his offer to go have lunch; but I did, just because I didn’t like the tribal marks on his face. I thought about the time I abandoned him in a restaurant because Max showed up and I believed then that Max was the one for me. I thought about how I rejected him so much and when I finally accepted him, I threw a tantrum; because he hadn’t done what I expected him to do.
In my heart, I knew he was going to break up with Kate for me but I turned it into a huge fight just because he didn’t do it at the time I expected him to. After all I was the one who pushed him into the arms of Kate by rejecting him a million and one times. Whoever came up with the term ‘hard to get’ was just a woman who nobody wanted to be with; not that I was playing hard to get but I’m just saying “reject a guy hard enough and you will push him into another woman’s arms”
It took everything in me not to call him and ask why; why he was doing this and if he truly loved her or if he even ever loved me because if he did; who wouldn’t be marrying someone else. I laid on my bed like someone who was about to die; the feelings of brokenness I had gotten over all coming back in one shot. If I wasn’t actually a strong person I would have truly gone insane
Heart break can indeed lead to temporal insanity; I remembered everything I’ve read about relationship and break up and one said when you are broken and longing for the other person who left, the last thing you want to do is call the person to beg them to come back to you. It’s a way of affirming their decision to leave you. So I decided not to call him, I decided to stay put… more of stay quietly insane.
I went to the kitchen desperately seeking any alcoholic drink that I could find; at that point, I could drink mouth wash if it got to that but thankfully it didn’t. I found an unopened bottle of wine hiding in one cabinet and took it. When I got back to the room I saw a missed call from Abdul; seeing that alone made my heart shrink.
And just as I put the phone back to face my wine, my phone started ringing again and it was him. I couldn’t answer, I was scared to. What did he want, For me to congratulate him? What if he tells me the reasons he couldn’t be with me? What would I say? I just knew that I was not going to be able to get through a call with him without balling my eyes out. So I stared at my ringing phone again with my heart in my throat… not breathing… not talking … just insane staring.