I’m Asari (Episode 22): Back to a Million Pieces of Pain

I looked at Abdul, my heart beating from a million pieces back to a whole; for a second I thought that he was going to say that he was joking but he didn’t. He put his palm on my cheek, his thumb stroking my face and lips; they parted a little and he kissed me.

“I was scared, I thought you wanted to play with my emotions, it looked like you said what you said to me because you saw that I have moved on” He explained and I completely understood why he felt that way. From his point of view it looked like I was playing with his emotions. To be honest I was confused that is why I was going back and forth. And I had the right to be confused; Abdul is the direct opposite of the kind of guy I usually go for and the kind of connection pulling us towards each other is unexplainable.

In the moment between us kissing and pulling away from each other; a thousand questions appeared in my head sending my thoughts back to the rabbit hole of relationship questions I recently pulled myself out of. I wondered if he was here to make sure that I truly had feelings for him. Were we going to get together right there and then? Did he break up with Kate before coming to see me? If he did, did he tell her it was because of me? A lot of things ran through my mind in a few seconds just for his phone to ring… it was Kate.

“Back to a million pieces”

He spoke to her as if nothing significant was going on, He looked back as if he was scared she was around the corner or something, he even called her babe. the angry fume coming out of my head was already making me feel very hot and what he said next made me lose it

“Oh wait, you are here to take advantage of my emotions? Are you freaking kidding me?! You say that you felt I was trying to play with your emotions because of the way I treated you in the past and I accepted my wrong because I acted out of confusion but you are worse because you are doing yours intentionally”

“What are you talking about?” he asked but my anger didn’t let me see the true confusion in his eyes

“I am talking about the fact that you are only here to turn me into your side chick” I spat

“What?… What in the world would make you think such a thing” and my next words turned a beautiful moment into that of anger, despair and contempt. I knew that it was my jealousy talking but I couldn’t help myself. I don’t know what made me crazy. The fact that he didn’t break up with Kate before coming to me or the fact that he answered her call in front of me or the fact that he called her babe… I don’t know which of them did it or maybe it was all of them combined

We got into a very huge fight and it entered a whole new level when I told him that he was as disgusting as most Nigerian men “you are even worse because you pretend to be a good guy” I twisted the knife I put in his chest and he suddenly became quiet. It hit him, I could tell that my words really hurt him but the deed had already been done; I let myself out of the car and he drove off with a level of speed I had never seen him drive before. I was crushed because I knew that this one was my fault entirely… I’m not even going to attempt to deny

After giving Abdul a good reason to run away from me; I went inside, poured myself a huge glass of wine, gulped it and went to straight to bed. Could I sleep? No. I thought about calling him but if I did, what was I going to tell him? Apologize? Apologize for what? My pride didn’t allow me do so.

You see… even though I was wrong to attack him the way I did, I still believed that my reason for doing so was valid. If only he ignored that call; the fact that he answered made me feel like he wasn’t going to break up with her anytime soon. Like he planned to come and tell me that he loved just to go back home to her; so I didn’t call. I stood my ground distracting myself on Instagram until I fell asleep.

It was supposed to be a perfect day, the day he was supposed to tell me he loved me and wanted to be with me; but it all went south so quickly. I woke up to a very long message from him telling me to forget about what he said earlier about the feelings he has for me. My heart went back from being a whole to a million pieces as I read the message.

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