I’m Asari (Episode 20): Blue Christmas

Have you ever felt blue because you were heartbroken? The type of heartbreak that glues you to your bed and makes your body repel food no matter how awesome the food is. I’m talking about the type of heartbreak that turns you into a vampire because all types of lights hurts you and all you want is to lie in darkness wishing you could sleep never to wake up. I am proud to say that I have experienced such a feeling and I carry it like a badge of honour because I pulled through, got over it and I am here today

People like me who have gone through such despair are supposed to have some kind of phobia for the opposite sex but not Asari… not me; and here I am experiencing almost the same thing again. I say almost because I was not in a relationship but I am heartbroken… I am a single girl in a blue state

I played with boys, went on dates with them and partied with them; it is all fun and games until someone destroys your heart. It’s more painful when it is someone you didn’t want in the first place and excruciating when you feel this way from one experience, one talk… one conversation; a conversation I didn’t want to have but my big mouth went on blabbing and telling him how I felt about him

What if I just kept ghosting him? What if I told him to leave the day he came to my house? What if I never told him how I felt? Then I would have never been rejected and there would be no blue bird singing sad songs to me right now.

I didn’t tell anyone about the conversation, my mother could tell something was up with me but I didn’t say anything to her; Ashezi and Lota were the last people on earth I wanted to talk to about this. What was I going to tell them? That I finally confronted my feelings for Abdul and that I told him but he rejected me? Nah, I was not ready to spill my gut yet plus I was still in the first stage of heartbreak… Denial.

Lying on my bed two nights after I was rejected by Abdul I received a text message from Ngozi telling me that it was okay to hang out with Bolanle as long as it was platonic. I read the message but I had no strength to reply so I ignored it. About an hour of restlessness later I peeled myself off the bed and went to the kitchen to find red wine; the official alcoholic drink of my household.

It was around midnight; sitting in the dark kitchen drinking wine from the bottle was a bit comforting; I needed to fall asleep and half a bottle of that red wine was going to do it. My wine-filled thoughts were suddenly interrupted by the very bright lights of a car parking nearby. I watched the car carefully until it stopped and deemed its lights just for my phone to start ringing, it was Bolanle.

He dialed my number more than three times before I answered to tell him to buzz off.

“I’m outside your house, come let’s go somewhere fun” he said it like it was something we did often and me, in my ultimate shock refused his offer but Bolanle is one persuasive mudafucker. His job in sales suites him fine because after talking with him I found myself getting dressed to sneak out of the house.

I wore a short blue bandage dress with stilettos; only God knows why I baffed up like that. We went to a Hennessey invitation-only concert; it was filled with beautiful people and the vibe was very cool. I was impressed that Bolanle brought me to such a place; if only he knew what I was going through he would have understood my gratitude.

When we got to our table, I was more interested in the bottle of wine than the musician performing on stage. Almost everyone was standing and singing along but I was too busy drinking “stand and dance” Bolanle requested “I will stand when I am drunk enough” I joked. I was having some kind of fun until I saw a guy walk past me with a lady in a navy blue jumpsuit; I tried to ignore but my eyes didn’t give me the chance because it followed them until they got to their table and turned around. It was Abdul and his girlfriend Kate.

He waved at me and I waved back; I mean I had to… did I have a choice? Watching him and Kate dance and be all lovey-dovey may have driven me crazy because that was what made me decide to make him jealous. Since he didn’t want me I needed to show him that someone else wanted what he had rejected… it was the logical thing to do.

I danced all over Bolanle, held him tight and kissed him every time I got the chance to. I knew that Abdul was watching us but I didn’t try to look to make sure because I didn’t want him to see me seeing him see me. I wanted to seem aloof like I didn’t care about him and I thought it worked until I found myself weeping in Bolanle’s car.

“Please tell me what is wrong, I can’t bear to watch you cry like this” we were in his car about to go but my unexpected tears didn’t let him start the car. I didn’t tell him what was going on, even if I wanted to the tears wouldn’t have let me.

I was sad, I was so sad because I had just made a fool of myself to make a man jealous; a man who was clearly happy with the girl he was with and probably didn’t give a fuck… it made me feel dejected and worthless… like I wasn’t good enough. I forced Bolanle to put me in a cab, I wanted to be alone plus his questions were too much for me to handle.

“Can I come over?” I was on the phone with Lota, I didn’t want to go home “Yes” words of comfort. I went to Lota’s place and wept some more telling her everything that happened including how I made a fool of myself to make him jealous. Lota, didn’t condemn me or anything; she only stroked my hair while I cried myself to sleep. It was a very blue night.

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