Toxic relationships are really unhealthy and so exhausting. And I’m sure you’ve been wondering why you keep getting into the same kinds of relationships. A relationship that drains you emotionally and physically and brings out the worse in you and sometimes even changes you. Well, look no further, as I’ve researched and asked various people. The reasons I found will be categorized into two
- A wrong concept of what a relationship must be
- Our own unresolved emotional conflict.
Both problems arise from deep-seated, cultural aversion to deal with emotions which we find difficult to handle.
Think about it for a moment, how is it that toxic relationships evolve? From beginning to end.
Found a very helpful model that goes as follows and you can see this pattern in all toxic relationships:
First comes infatuation. We often base relationships on physicality. And once the physical, sexual attraction is covered we have sufficient elements to start a romantic interaction.
With little knowledge of how the other person behaves in a serious relationship, we delve into the next phase of toxic relationships: The honeymoon phase.
Now, this does not mean that attraction is toxic. No, they can be perfectly sane, but you will see how this gives room for the future toxicity to slip by unnoticed…
Phase two is the honeymoon phase, and here the usual is to overlook the toxicity. To hide traits of personality that we know may be a problem for the other…
But it’s all right! We’re “falling in love”, right? It is ok to hide undesirable aspects of ourselves. This is how love works.
Wrong!
Our whole social conditioning is wrong here, because, in stark contrast to what you may be thinking, love is rational. Of course, it is mainly emotional, but if we forget about the rational part, everything is lost.
We allow toxic behaviors. We ignore the red flags… and all in the name of love.
But that’s part of the next phase. The honeymoon phase of idealization and omission is unsustainable. And so, the toxicity will start spilling over. That’s when the next phase begins…
The masks-off phase.
This is when, after feeling quite secure in the relationship, we allow the toxicity to show.
There is enough trust, we are more invested in the relationship and we no longer bother in hiding or concealing the toxicity.
As an example, this often happens after marriage to couples who don’t have enough experience with the other person in terms of coexistence.
But it can happen earlier and without necessarily being married. The important thing to remember is that it is a phase where the toxic partner starts pushing boundaries.
And lastly decay and separation.
You already know what that is: conflict, deterioration and eventual separation.
But what does this have to do with constantly getting into toxic relationships?
The fact that this whole model is wrong and you cannot rely on it.
This model is socially ‘normal’ and we think things must be this way. But you must reject it and instead, use a model that allows for honesty and transparency.
Instead of rushing into commitment after every light turns green (physical attraction, then honeymoon phase, then increased commitment), you must take your time to get to know the other person — to really know them deeply and honestly.
Step 1: Take your time to know the other person and never rush
Never follow the same “requirements” for a relationship.
If a successful honeymoon phase is enough for most, demand more of yourself and the relationship. Don’t deepen the commitment unless you know the honeymoon phase is over and still, the love is there.
Step 2: Never ignore the red flags
Or, to put it in better terms, to remember that love is rational.
If you ever find yourself justifying an unacceptable behavior, a harmful reaction, a damaging attitude… you are in front of a red flag. Don’t lie to yourself.
It’s important to know that there’s no hurry in life. Take your time. You can extend the period of knowing the other person for as long as you want until you are convinced it is something you want.
This doesn’t mean you have to avoid feelings. Not at all, feel as much as you want, enjoy love to its fullest… but don’t call it love when it is hurting you.
That is not love. That’s just lying to yourself and fostering a toxic relationship. The worse thing to do to yourself is self-deceit.
Remember that it’s never late to end a relationship that is not good for you.
If you failed to see the red flags, if you rushed through the process and are now involved in a toxic relationship, take the step and end it.
Yes, there are cases when the relationship can be repaired, but honestly that is very rare.
It is much better to be patient and to get to know the other person fully before taking a step in the wrong direction with them. You can never fully know a person as human behaviour is dynamic but know enough.
In this day and age, we are in desperate need of honesty in all aspects.
That’s what you must ask of the other person… but how can you expect honesty? How will you know if the other person is transparent and honest?
You cannot know it. But the best thing you can do is to first bring that to the relationship.B
That’s another thing that is wrong with how we conduct ourselves in relationships. We take honesty for granted. But in reality, people are flexible in this aspect.
Step 3: Remove the ambiguity
We assume the other will be honest and never talk about it. We never make a big deal of it.
And the same goes for love. Maybe honesty is there, but if love is not we can end up with an abusive partner.
The cornerstone of a healthy relationship is made of both love and honesty.
Love may be taken away at moments to condition or manipulate the other.
And when dishonesty starts appearing, it does so in small ways. That’s part of the masks-off phase.
It starts as little things that can be overlooked. And where do you think this all ends?
Exactly! In tortuous and complicated relationships destined to failure!
Make honesty a big deal. Make love a big deal.
And Be both loving and honest.
Be explicit about it, talk about how important honesty is for you and how you are going to bring it to the relationship and you expect the same thing from everyone around you.
Most, if not all, toxic behaviors depend on dishonesty, so if you go to the root of toxicity you leave no room for it in the relationship.
And now comes the real challenge: Dealing with our own unresolved emotional conflict.
