I think that most men don’t know what kind of relationship to have with their mothers once they get into a serious relationship or even when they get married. Most people will not even have this conversation if you’re referring to a girlfriend. And for that reason, I’ll be focusing solely on the wife.
The mother-son relationship is really a complicated one.
There’s nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who takes his mom very seriously, looks out for her and goes to great lengths for her and the whole family at large.
Similarly, there’s nothing more unattractive to a woman than a man who cannot stand up to his mother, who lets his mom control him, who fears his mother and puts his mom first in front of his wife. Nobody likes a mommy’s boy.
Men struggle with the issue of who to put first – their wife or their mother.
So much of the mother-son relationship stems from childhood and circumstances that might have happened. For example, maybe the guy’s dad left when he was just a little boy, and he was all his mother had. Or maybe his father died, and the man has always felt sad for his mom and tried to compensate for his dad not being there. Maybe the guy’s dad treated his mom like crap and the guy feels like he needs to pick up the slack.
While all of these mother-son relationship scenarios are heartfelt and while I can understand a guy’s need to treat his mother like gold, there are differences between healthy and unhealthy mother-son relationships.
I know that you’ll say that he came out from his mother. And in most cases, the mother nurtured him and probably helped to make him become who he is today. So naturally, there’s a bond between a mother and her son.
“Mommy existed in his life long before he even thought he’ll have a wife. Looking at the chronological order of things, there is definitely an argument to have the mother as the first place in his life. Trust me no one is trying to break that bond”.
“His mom was the one that set the foundation for him to be the man that he is”.
“His mom went through hell and back for her son”.
A lot of people argue that after all what the mom has done for her child, does she not deserve to be put on a pedestal? Will the wife ever be able to give her husband as much as the mother invested in her son?
“A man will never have another mother again but he can have as many wives as he wishes. I get that, but the bible says that a man leaves his mother and his father and cleaves to his wife”.
That’s a lot of mother-love! Let’s flip to the other side of the coin.
At the altar, a new journey begins, and the main woman of his new journey is the wife. The idea of a man leaving his parents means that parental influence isn’t as great as before. There is newer influence ahead and it’s that of his wife.
So this begs the question, which is more important – What happened in the past or what’s in the present?
Nobody is saying that a man should neglect his mother. As a matter of fact, it is totally wrong for a wife to mistreat her mother-in-law, and any woman like that is not a good person. The issue here is that there’s a boundary between obligation and choice. A man should know where to draw the line.
For the fact that the man decided to get married, it is expected that he has attained some level of maturity no matter how old he is. Every married man should know when to “leave and cleave”.
A man should never allow his mother to have a negative impact on his marriage. It is one thing to occasionally run to your mother’s side, but to consistently do it is very unhealthy, and has the potential to break the home.
I have seen cases where at first, the wife viewed this behavior as okay. Eventually, it started to wear her down and it left her feeling undervalued, frustrated, and disrespected. A man’s wife is his partner for life (focus on the word partner) and she should be treated as such.
All I have said is my opinion of course. And by no means do I want to assume that my opinion is the only one. As such, I took the liberty to ask married men on the issue and their answers are quite interesting to read
I’d love to hear from you my readers, particularly the men. Who comes first to you and why? What do you think is the best way for someone in this situation to handle it?
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