Anger is a natural when we get upset, but when taken too far it becomes a serious problem. Anger prevents rational thinking, that’s why it makes sense to never make any crucial life decision when angry. It is even a healthy emotion to be angry sometimes about certain things; because it helps the mind to rethink and readjust. But it sometimes becomes an issue of concern when people are unable to manage or control their anger.
Being temperamental is even more disturbing in marriage; when a partner is constrained to live with such for the lifespan of the marriage.
But, on a cursory look, it seems helpful to know why some people demonstrate such level of anger. The people who engage in this behaviour do so because they are able to get away with it without suffering serious consequences.
Far too often, the loved ones tell themselves that the one with the temper can’t truly change. I explain consistently to my clients that people can’t necessarily change their personality but can certainly change their behaviours.
Thus, there are ways to live with such behaviour in marriage:
Don’t try to compete with them
There are times people could be tempted to stand up to a partner that is hot-tempered; perhaps as a way of showing that they too could be aggressive. But, according to Mrs Franca Attoh, an associate professor of sociology, University of Lagos, Akoka, Lagos, such move could worsen a bad situation. She said, “If your partner is temperamental, the first thing people need to know is that two wrongs cannot make a right. When he is angry, that is the time for the partner to be calm; because the moment the partner becomes angry, then tempers would rise and the situation would become escalated. And if attention is paid to the matter, it could lead to domestic violence. In a very unfortunate situation, it can become fatal and even lead to death.”
She added, “Sometime in the 80s, there was a case of a couple that had five children. There was a sort of misunderstanding between the husband and the wife. As they were screaming at each other; the man pushed the wife and she fell from the top of the staircase. By the time she hit the last step, she was dead. It was no longer a problem of anger; it became murder. The woman was from a rich home, so the family members insisted that the man must be tried. I didn’t follow the case to know how it ended, but there was no way the man would have escaped it; and the least he would get would have been 14 years for manslaughter. These are things people should be very careful about.”
Know when to step aside
Usually, until people who are hot-tempered have satisfactorily expressed their anger in any given circumstance; they seem not to care about anything else. Perhaps, one of the ways to avoid troubles when having an issue with someone that is temperamental is to step aside, not only for safety; but also to prevent the issue from festering. Attoh said, “Marriage requires a lot of wisdom, tact and discipline and you must know the kind of person you are living with. If the person is angry, you can decide to leave that place for some time so it doesn’t aggravate and when things are calm, you could bring up the situation for discussion so you could both reason logically to see whether you can arrive at a middle ground. That is where wisdom comes in. He cannot be shouting and you will be shouting at the same time. Such could result in a tragedy.”
Don’t kill your feelings
To some, taking a walk when an issue is about degenerating could mean that they are killing their feelings; all in the name of peace. But, according to Attoh, it is not so. “If you kill your own feelings, you might go into depression, so we are not telling people to kill their feelings for the sake of their partner. What we are saying is that they should embrace another approach to solving the problem, and that is by talking about it when things are calm. It might not even be that day. They might not admit that they were wrong; they are human beings, but say what’s on your mind. In their lone moments, no matter how bad the person is; they will reflect on it and realise that they didn’t act properly. You don’t have to reduce yourself to the level at which the person was acting.”
Know that your silence is not weakness
One other reason people tend to engage hot-tempered persons, especially if it has become a habit, is that they do not want to be seen as weak. Attoh, in response, stressed that being silent or taking a walk when a partner is raging is not a sign of weakness but of strength. She said, “There are situations that when you keep quiet, it makes the other person feel small. If the person is mature; you are talking and the other person is not saying anything; indirectly, the person is telling you that you are acting like a baby with the way you are throwing tantrums, except if the person is not knowledgeable. If the person is favourably disposed to learning, they would begin to work at it to get better. So, silence is not a weakness.”
She added, “People annoy others in the work place, but instead of flaring up, you just walk away, not because you don’t know how to talk, but you know you can always address it after that episode. If your boss at work is always shouting on you and you don’t answer him, they should go home and ask themselves whether they are mentally okay. It’s only people who are not mature that would think that not answering someone who is yelling at you is a sign of weakness.”
Don’t be hard on yourself
While this might not come easy, Attoh said it is possible. In fact, she said being able to be calm with a raging partner is a sign that such a person has control over their emotion. “That you are able to keep calm in the face of anger is a sign of strength, because it means you can control your emotion and it means you are cut out to be a leader. The hallmark of strength is when you keep quiet in such situations because everybody wants to speak when there is an issue.”
While advising people that are hot-tempered, Attoh said they should see it as a weakness that they need to work on. She said, “It’s a weakness and the hallmark of maturity is that if you know the area where you are deficient, you must begin to work on it so that you can have a better relationship with your fellow human beings. There is no problem that doesn’t have a solution but it depends on the people involved. What happens most of the time is that ego comes in.”
She said failure to work on it could be detrimental to them in other areas of life. “If you are temperamental, it’s not only your wife that witnesses it; it would affect you in your workplace. It can even cost you a business deal, your job or a promotion. These are things people must know,” she added.
