I’m Asari (Episode 60): The Coward In Me Rises And Falls

So, remember how I got really drunk and proposed to my boyfriend? That was three days ago and I haven’t spoken to him since then. I know that I am being a coward but I’d rather be a coward than talk to him about the other night; how am I going to tell him that I didn’t really propose because I was drunk.

Let’s say I tell him that I was drunk, do you think that he is going to believe me completely? Nope. I believe that he is going to think that I am using drunkenness to cover up my true feelings.

He came to my office yesterday to see me but I managed to escape… gosh… I am really a coward. Don’t get me wrong oh, I am going to talk to him eventually but am not ready to yet. Rather, I haven’t grown the balls to talk to him yet… hence the being a coward.

I feel like this upcoming conversation that I am dreading is going to lead to us actually having THE conversation. The conversation about marriage and I am not ready to have that conversation… not now… not with him.

Not that I don’t want to get married oh… but I’m not sure this is the right time for me or for us to talk about marriage even. “Stop being a coward and call your boyfriend” Lota told me over the phone with laughter “just tell him you were drunk and missing him… what is there? Even if you were serious, he should be happy that you want to marry him sef”

Lota’s words were very encouraging but they still didn’t stop me for staying a coward. I continued ignoring his calls until this afternoon when he appeared in my office like a ghost.

“What is the problem?” he said with a straight face, so I knew he was not here to hear a wishy washy explanation… I had to woman up and tell him the truth and so I did.

“I’m sorry for being a coward, I just didn’t know how to explain it to you without making you upset” I concluded. He was quiet for a bit “Wow” he said and I was like “wow what?”

“It’s funny how unintelligent you think I am” I was surprised by what he said “what do you mean by that?” I asked “do you think I don’t know you to an extent to know that you were not in your right mind when you asked me to marry you? Do you even know the exact words that you used” “please tell me” I replied “Derek will you marry me and my teddy bear… we have been together for a long time now and I want to make it official” “that was what I said?” I wanted to laugh but I stopped myself because laughter was nowhere near Derek’s face.

“And even if you really did propose to me… tell me why that is a bad thing that you have to ignore all my calls?” he asked and I immediately thought of what Lota said to me earlier. I didn’t know how to answer him so I kept quiet.

He was upset and in the act of walking out, I held his hand… I couldn’t let him leave in that state “I’m sorry” I pleaded “I was being a scared coward… I am sorry for ignoring your calls; I didn’t do it because I don’t respect you. I just did it because I was…” “Scared of what I would think” he completed my sentence and I nodded.

He accepted my apology and all was well again “can you stop calling my girlfriend a coward… I don’t like it” he said and I nodded with a smile “done” “good” he replied and kissed my forehead. I feel lucky and you know the funny thing? Because of how sweet Derek was; I kinda wished that we had the conversation about our future… about marriage. Funny how the thing I was so scared of is now all I can think about. Life!