I’m Asari (Episode 50): I miss you but I miss the heart to say it

“What is the meaning of this? What was the kiss for?” I asked when we were done kissing “since you need an explanation and I am not being obvious enough…” “You don’t need to be sarcastic with me” I replied cutting him mid-sentence and he looked at me sharply. Initially, I thought he was going to give me a rude reply but nothing came out of his mouth for about thirty seconds then “I miss you” he said.

“I miss you” I replied to his words in my mind… I couldn’t say them out loud and till this moment I don’t know why I couldn’t. I just stood there watching him as he did me. I know he was expecting me to say something… something like “I miss you too, Abdul” or something like “do you want to come in?” but I couldn’t bring myself to do that either.

“Alright” he threw his hands up and turned to walk away “what do you want me to say?” I asked hopelessly “’I miss you too’ could be a start” he replied without hesitation and I found myself being drawn back into my shell. After another thirty seconds of silence, obviously frustrated by my reaction “alright, I will leave since that is what you want” but he didn’t turn to leave which was an expression to the fact that he didn’t want to leave.

“What do you want from me?” I began with a touch of annoyance “you waltz in here and kiss me then expect me to say ‘I miss you’ then what next Abdul? What will happen next if I tell you that I miss you? Don’t answer that because I know the answer” I stopped his attempt to speak.

“I will tell you I miss you and you will tell me you want to be with me then go and get engaged to some plane Jane that appears into your life out of nowhere and then decide that you do not want to marry her” it felt like I was spitting fire but I continued until I got everything out of my chest.

“Are you seriously saying this right now? I didn’t marry the girl… you should be happy about it” I burst into laughter “Wow… I should be happy? I should be happy that you freaking broke my heart then went on to destroy another girl’s heart… thank you for your generosity to the female gender” I didn’t know where all these anger was coming from but it was coming and I was releasing it real fast.

“Asari, I came here because I miss you… I didn’t come here to fight” he tried to stay calm “then go, go home and never come back” I retorted and to be honest, I didn’t mean it. Deep down, I was happy that he was there. In fact, it was better for me to see him and fight with him than to never see him again but I couldn’t help my anger.

We were silent again, this time for what felt like eternity; I wanted to walk away and go back inside but my ankles felt chained together. “For what it’s worth, I am sorry for the pain I caused you; I didn’t mean to cause you any harm… I will harm myself before I hurt you on purpose” “well you did” I replied sharply then he became quiet.

With a defeated demeanour “Good-bye” he said, walking away from me. He entered his car and drove off. Watching his car disappear into the night made my heart sink into my stomach; not because I felt like I did the wrong thing by pouring my heart out but because it felt like it was finally done and I was never going to see him again.

But will it ever be done? It never will be done as long as I am still in love with him “I miss you too” I whispered into the cold wind that blew past me. In a magical city, the wind would have taken my words and delivered them to his ears but I knew better… knew better to be sure that my words would be lost in the wind.