I’m Asari (Episode 59): Truth Or Dare, The Truth Is That I Fvcked Up
I like to look at the clear blue sky; it’s very soothing, it helps me relax when I am upset. I discovered it when I was a kid; I would stare at the clear blue sky whenever I was afraid that my mother was going to come home to beat me for something I did wrong and my fears would melt away just for it to come back when she actually starts beating me. It was a quiet afternoon; I was watching the sky and listening to jazz music, it was very peaceful and I felt so serene. An emotion I hadn’t felt in a while and I wanted to remain in that state for as long as I could. If I could ask Santa A.K.A Father Christmas for anything this Christmas, I think it would be peace of mind.
As I sat there, the memory of the jealousy I suffered at the party with Abdul crept in; fighting it off was a struggle but I had decided to let him go and nothing was going to ruin my peaceful afternoon. I was determined but fate was meaner than my determination because my phone rang and it was Abdul “think about the devil”.
I didn’t answer, ever since I discovered my true feelings for him; giveing him a lot of space was a priority. So I stopped answering his calls and messages, at first I wanted to do the honorable thing by telling him the truth and explaining why I could be his friend anymore but the thought of having such conversation was already exhausting. It felt dramatic so I just decided to ghost him.
It’s not easy ghosting someone that you like, my god! One moment I am happy going about my business and the next moment I am sad because I miss him. I’m sure it looks as if I am being melodramatic but you have to understand that falling for someone is one thing and falling for someone in a relationship is another thing.
I have watched girls get their heart and soul shattered because they fell for someone who was in a relationship and the person never left the relationship for them. In fact the last one I witnessed, the guy kept on promising to leave his girlfriend until he married her; she found out after the wedding and you cannot image her devastation. I am not about to be that girl. Abdul may also have feelings for me but there is a reason he is with that girl; if it is not love, it still is something special. After numerous messages and calls he gave up … radio silence; I didn’t hear from him again. That’s one of the reasons I like Abdul, self-respect.
So, on this day when I was having my peaceful stare at the sky with jazz music; Bolanle called me and asked to hang out
“Let me be your father Christmas” he said offering to take me shopping.
“You want to be my Father Christmas? What if money cannot buy what I want for Christmas?” I asked
“Okay, let me be your what money can buy Father Christmas” he joked
On a normal day I wouldn’t have indulged him but I was bored that afternoon and going on a shopping spree didn’t seem like a bad idea so I let him come pick me.
He picked me up and we went to at least three boutiques and a shopping mall; I didn’t buy much just a purse and two pairs of jeans (all my jeans are old) because I wasn’t really comfortable with the situation. He was ready to really be my Father Christmas but Ngozi’s madness kept ringing in my head.
Anyway, so after what was supposed to be a shopping spree; we went to take ice cream and that made me regret going out with him. Bolanle can talk for Africa; he doesn’t even let me put a word or two in. He talks about all kinds of things, the one I ask him and the one I did not ask him. I think my ears were bleeding at some point but I got through. I sent a message to Ngozi telling her that I was hanging out with her ex on a platonic level but she didn’t respond so I figured she was busy and would reply when she was able to
The day came to an end and he offered to drop me at home but I refused because I just couldn’t bear to listen to him talk for one more second. I ordered an Uber and ran away.
It was a smooth ride home and I was grateful to be home before 8:00 p.m. so that I could watch an episode of power before going to bed. When I got out of the car, I noticed a car parked in front of my house; it looked like Abdul’s car but no one was inside. I assumed it was a car that looked like his and went inside just for me to see him gisting happily with my mother in the living room.
“Thank God you are here, I was just about to call you” my mother said preparing herself to excuse us
“How long have you been here?” I asked pleasantly surprised that he came to look for me even while I was trying to stay away from him
He waited for my mother to leave the living room before replying with a long hug “I thought something was wrong” he whispered, my knees melted and my heart started racing so I pulled away scared that he could feel it beating fast.
It was very silent for a few minutes, I really wanted to tell him to let me go and forget about me but I didn’t know how to say the words. I looked into his eyes and I knew that I was meant to be in his arms forever. How could I let him go when our souls had already intertwined… How could I ghost him when I was sure that memories of him would follow me around like a friendly ghost? So I decided to tell him how I felt about him; it was a massive risk I was not willing to take but did anyway.
“Are you okay?” He was very concerned
“I think that I am in love with you” I heard myself say, my revelation shocked him; he sat down and I followed suit
“Is this why you have been ignoring my calls?” He asked and I nodded
After what felt like two million years, he took my hand and painfully explained to me that he was in a committed relationship and he didn’t see my confession coming. “I am already committed to her and I don’t want to complicate things right now” he said, his words tearing my heart little by little.
“I understand” I concurred with a weak smile. I told him that we could not be friends anymore because of the new development and he understood; he kissed my forehead and left. I felt numb…
When Bolanle and I were at the mall I saw children telling santa what they wanted for Christmas, I should have told him what I wanted for Christmas too. I should have told him that all I wanted for Christmas was Abdul.