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Why too much Empathy is unhealthy for your Relationship

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Most people wouldn’t think that empathy has a downside or limits, but in our relationships, it’s not always a positive tool. It’s something that can be depleted, leaving our emotional tanks empty for other family members.

While empathy can vastly improve the quality of your relationships, it can also prove dangerous when taken too far.

For instance, it’s possible to demonstrate empathy to an extreme degree, even to the point that it harms you and others. In scientific literature, this is commonly referred to as “borderline empathy” or “hyper-empathy,” and it is related to borderline personality disorder (BPD).

In other words, these individuals demonstrate an abnormal degree of empathy; however, they often lack the ability to regulate it and it leads to unhealthy habits and relationships.

Of course, you don’t have to suffer from a personality disorder to be harmed by always putting yourself in the shoes of others. Many fall victims to what has been described as an “empathy tap” which is the ability to share the feelings of others leads to physical and psychological exhaustion.

In other words, if you aren’t careful, constant exposure to the problems of others could lead to higher stress, emotional exhaustion, and a host of other health issues.

Empathy is just one ingredient in the recipe of deep connections with our intimate partners. We have to look past this tool and understand its negative effects if we really want to create lasting connections.

The negative Side of Empathy

Relying too much on empathy can be an emotional drain. In certain studies, people who used empathy in the workplace had less to give to their families. It’s a finite emotional reserve that can be depleted.

This leads to negative tradeoffs most people wouldn’t make these tradeoffs consciously if they knew there was going to be less empathy available for loved ones.

Empathy can be used for manipulation too. By understanding other people’s feelings, we can use those feelings against them. In many emotionally abusive relationships, one person may use anger as a tool because they know their partner will do as they want, and attempt to “put out the fire” to make them happy again

In relationships, there are other ingredients that are more important than empathy. No single ingredient is enough on its own but put everything together, and you’re more likely to succeed.

  1. Mutual responsibility- Take responsibility for everything you do and never play the blame game.
  2. Shared values- Connect on shared values such as respect for life, family, success ambitions, lifestyle or any other value which is a big part of your life blueprint.
  3. Trust- Establish trust by being reliable. That means following through on everything you say you’re going to do.
  4. Boundaries- Create boundaries that allow for mutual respect, and let your partner know if they’re being crossed.
  5. Relationship clarity- Don’t make assumptions on the big things. Always be clear by talking about it.
  6. Emotional intelligence- Work on your own emotional intelligence for better communication and understanding. This includes empathy.

Instead of trying to guess what your partner is feeling, ask him or her instead. It’s true that we can learn a lot about our partner’s emotions through observation and empathy, but don’t underestimate the power of a direct question.

“when trying to empathize, it’s generally better to talk with people about their experiences than to imagine how they might be feeling.” – Adam Waytz.