Sex move can seem a highly trivial subject to get so upset about for younger people these days – being rightly no more significant than who should open the door first, or hold the umbrella . And yet, judging from the heartache and pains it tends to cause, it appears to matter very much indeed especially to young folks. This is the main root of many problems, it is the main ingredient for loud arguments and bitterness, the long-term future of the couple’s kids can be decided by it – and couples routinely end up in the divorce courts because of it.
At the center of the drama are all the complexities involved when, late at night, in the cold darkness, one person’s hand moves over to seductively touch the other’s body in a way that signals a desire to initiate either sex or a cuddle – and nothing much happens in return.
This sex move ends up being so much more bigger than one might imagine because it has so little to do with making love: it’s about knowing that we are wanted and loved. The willingness to initiate sex can appear like the litmus test of whether one is appreciated within the relationship as a whole – and therefore whether a couple will work out or not . For one person never to initiate, or else merely to respond half-heartedly to sensual touch, is tantamount to declaring that they cannot possibly love the person they are with.
In truth, a lack of initiation or response can mean many things. It may, at times, simply be a sign of exhaustion after a long day of work or bad mood. Sometimes an untouched hand is just an untouched hand. The real problem in the cold darkness of the bedroom is not a lack of reciprocation per se, it is the way that is interpreted by your other half: the way that assumptions are formed without discussion – and the grave offence is taken without the topic having first been talked about.
Who Makes the First Sex Move: and Why It Matters So Much
Beneath this lies a more serious problem still: shame. Unreciprocated touch becomes properly dangerous when it comes into getting in contact with a high degree of self-suspicion or low-self esteem on the part of the person who has dared to slide their hand across. What might merely have been judged an innocent or temporary lack of enthusiasm comes to be taken – silently and automatically – as evidence of something far more bigger: proof that the other person finds one disgusting.
Ideally, if we all loved had more confidence in ourselves, we would know better what to do when we made a sex move and we did not get much in return: we would address the matter immediately through calm and kindly discussion and tried to determine what was at stake.
If the evidence pointed squarely to a profound lack of interest or emotional capacity, we would leave. After all, there is nothing wrong with ending up sharing a bed with an emotionally or physically withholding partner; there is something very wrong, or at least very unfortunate, with sticking around once one knows this is the case.
But these are not options open to us when we feel overly ashamed. Our unresponsive partners reinforce pre-existing feelings of unacceptability that render us bitter, weak and fragile. A history of not knowing how to value ourselves makes it extremely difficult for us to complain effectively about unfortunate treatment – let alone leave in order to find a partner who loves you and isn’t afraid to show it
As self-hating lovers, we cannot say, with the requisite calm that we feel rejected, need to be understood and are looking for change. We will either say nothing at all and cheat on our partner– or else explode into a rage that guarantees our message won’t be heard. I personally do this a lot but my partner is always helping me to understand the error in my ways. We won’t have the courage to read the signs and change the course of the relationship in response.
In the tensions around unreciprocated touch, we catch sight of a more general problem in love: the difficulties created when we aren’t able to talk about what we want and how we want to be loved in a relationship. We suffer from a sense that we don’t deserve to be in love and cannot handle frustration or respond to our situation adequately. We should not leave the untouched hand of our partner for too long in the darkness. We should dare to switch on the light, express our pain and consider our options without shame.