The love of my life broke up with me. I broke up with him too before, but it still hurts. We had doubts about our relationship and both reassured each other about our love. I have always believed he was the perfect person for me, but he had his reservations. Whenever any of us had doubts about the relationship, I saw it as something that could be fixed. He saw it as something that pulled us further apart from each other. That was something we never agreed on.
We both loved and cared for each other deeply. We were aware of this, but we just did not ‘feel’ it. At some point, it felt like his love was choking me. I was going through a lot mentally and I just wanted it (his love) to stop. I don’t know exactly how he felt, but I think my love and the reaction to his was not encouraging. I had this idea of ‘the one’ and I needed that person. It felt to me like he was needing just anyone.
It is difficult not to feel love when you know that there is someone trying so hard to prove their love for you. Because of this, it became more about whether we had the right type of love for ourselves. This was frustrating because I always wondered if the problem was from me or him. Was I bad at accepting his love or was he bad at showing it?
Thinking back to everything now, our problem was right there before us but still not clear. We were both interchangeably confident about being meant for each other sometimes, and sure we weren’t other times. The bad thing was we were never on the same side. Sure we loved the other person, but not sure about how we felt their love. To be honest, I don’t want to spend time thinking about it. It makes me feel unlovable and quite abnormal.
Then something happened. He finally opened up about how he really felt. All of the love, the fighting and the drama pointed to one thing. He was getting closer to God and I was getting more detached. I figured out the rest myself. His views were conservative and mine were liberal. I’m an LGBT Ally and he has opposing views. How were we supposed to survive the rest of our lives or even raise kids?
So we ended things. Well, he ended things. We still loved each other but were not in love with each other. If we were, we would have worked. I agree now that things don’t always turn out the way we expect. I still love him, he’s still the love of my life. But he is now halfway across the world and nothing seems possible.