Unrequited love is one of the most difficult things any of us will have to deal with in our lives. There are few feelings as painful as that crushing sense of rejection and creeping humiliation when you begin to realise that the girl of your dreams may not actually be that into you, and when faced with that prospect, many of us choose to deny the obvious, burying our heads in the sand and opting to read every shred of affection or praise she sends our way as counter-evidence to the idea that she’s actually fading us out.
Ultimately, though, you’re only prolonging the heartbreak this way. You can’t will someone into liking you back no matter how hard you try, and in the end it’s better to know the truth about where you stand, so that you can make a clean break and move on to someone who likes you as much as you do them.
So, if you have even the vaguest sense that the object of your affection is not reciprocating your feelings same feelings, here are the top 10 signs – from flaking on plans to direct rejection in words – that will confirm it for sure:
Not every cancellation of plans means that your crush isn’t into you. Everyone occasionally needs to bail on arrangements because of illness or an absent-minded double booking, and if your crush has asked to rain-check only once or twice, this probably doesn’t spell doom for the relationship. However, if she is constantly flaking on you, especially last minute, this is a pretty strong sign that she’s not interested.
“My go-to move when I’ve agreed to a date I’m not really into is to say that I’ve come down with something last minute,” Fiona, 27, told AskMen. “It’s easier than saying I’ve changed my mind because you can’t really argue with someone being sick. Basically, I’d use the same excuse to get out of a date I didn’t really want to show up to as I would to avoid going to work on a hungover Monday.”
If you really think she might still like you and is genuinely sick or busy, then leave the planning of the next date up to her. If she never suggests another outing with you, that’s a clear sign that she’s not into you, and it’s time to move on.
Another way a woman might signal that she’s not interested in dating you is by reinforcing that the relationship is strictly platonic. If she’s constantly stressing that it’s so nice “having you as a friend” or explicitly introducing you as “my friend, [your name],” then she’s trying to tell you something – namely, that you are not her boyfriend and never will be.
Although this can sting, be careful about how you respond to it. It’s important that you don’t throw a tantrum about being put in the “friend zone“: Friendship is, after all, a precious gift, and you should be grateful that she’s offering you that much. Insisting that she owes you anything more than friendship is pure entitlement, and may land you with no relationship with her at all.
If you don’t think you can handle just being friends with your crush, then you should make a clean break instead of lingering in the background.
A key sign that two people are romantically involved is constant touching: Resting hands on each other’s legs, grazing backs of arms or even playfully hitting each other. If your crush isn’t doing any of these things, and if her body language is stiff and unapproachable, then she’s probably showing you subliminally that she’s not interested in you.
“I had been on what I thought was a really great date,” explained Val, 30. “We were in the car at the end, and I told her I’d been wanting to kiss her all night and kind of leaned in, expecting that the time was right and it was the perfect end to the date. She back off and told me, flustered, that she just wanted to go home. I couldn’t believe how badly I’d read the situation, but that confirmed it for sure.”
This is definitely an area where you don’t want to force things – unwanted physical contact is creepy, invasive and potentially criminal – so leave theball in her court on this one. If she wants to initiate physical contact she can, but if you’ve been seeing each other a while and she’s not just nervous or awkward, its absence is probably a sign that she’s not into you.
If you and your crush have been “dating” (at least, in your eyes) for weeks or months, but she’s weirdly evasive about letting you meet anyone in her world, she’s probably not quite as committed to the relationship as you are. Introducing a partner to your friends and family is one of the most solid signs of commitment, and if she’s being evasive in this area, it probably means she doesn’t see you as part of her future.
“I’ve only ever introduced two boyfriends to my parents, so for me, it’s a huge step,” said Lily, 29. “As soon as I knew I was serious about someone, though, it’s something that would need to happen.”
A reluctance to introduce you to friends and family is probably not a fatal sign very early in a relationship, but if you’ve been going steady for a while and it’s not even on the cards – or if she’s reluctant to meet your friends.
If your crush is never the one to initiate plans between the two of you, this is a sign that she might not be as invested in the relationship as you are. Think about it: if she was really into you, you’d be one of her go-to people whenever she wanted to visit a gallery or check out a new movie, like she is for you.
This one often goes in tandem with another sign on this list: constantly flaking on plans. “I think a big indicator for me is if we’re trying to set up another date and they’re busy, but they also don’t suggest another time,” David, 29, said. If she’s flaking on you, failing to initiate plans, or the dreaded combo of both, it should be pretty clear that things aren’t going well.
You deserve better than a partner who is tepid and unenthusiastic about spending time with you, so cut things off if she’s never initiating plans. It will save her having an awkward conversation with you later about how she likes you, but just not like that.
Much like meeting friends and family, locking in future plans is a key sign of commitment. If she blanches and changes the subject when you suggest making New Year’s Eve plans six months in advance, it could be a sign that she hasn’t imagined staying with you that long.
“I remember the death knell for my relationship with my ex was when he asked if I’d come to his best friend’s wedding in Thailand,” explained Jess, 25. “I tried to say it was about the money, but really I didn’t want to embed myself into his life that early – we’d been dating under a year at that point, and I didn’t see it going much further. After he offered to pay for my flight, I had to come clean about the real reason.”
Because there are genuine reasons your partner might be reluctant to make long-term plans, such as money worries or concerns about not being able to take time off work, you’re going to have to use your instinct with this one. By asking the right questions and taking stock of how often.