People say that when you have a good number of suitors, it makes you feel attractive. I get a lot of attention from men and sometimes women and at the moment I have three guys fighting for my attention but I do not feel attractive, or confident. Do you want to know what I feel? Confusion and lack of confidence, I am starting to realize that I feel the most sexy when I am confident in the decisions that I make; which is not the case at the moment. Lota and Ashezi will agree, they always tell me the truth no matter how difficult it is.
When I think of the things I said to Max the other night, I doubt that I meant them. The possibility that I said them because I didn’t want him to get mad at me is very high. Could I just decide to be with someone based on the one month plus that we have been talking? I doubt. I really like him but now that I am faced with the decision to take the next step. I dare say that I am not ready
“You say that every time you get close to a guy” Lota announced as we walked around the shopping mall. I was looking for a book for my boss and I asked her to come with.
“Do I?” I asked wondering if she was right
“Yes you do. You said the same thing with Chike, Adewale, James and…” Lota had her proof locked and ready
“It’s okay, I’ve heard you”
“There are two more names I can still call for you”
“You don’t need to. You have made your point although there were distinctive reasons why I stopped seeing all those guys; so you can’t just pin it all on my fear for commitment”
“I am glad you know” Lota said with an approving smile
“Know what?”
“I am glad you know that you have fear of commitment”
“That’s not true; I always have a guy in my life. Official or not”
“Yes but when last did you date someone for more than three months. After Jason, you haven’t been in a long term relationship”
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Was she right? My dear friend Lota is a very intuitive and observant person and she never says anything except when necessary. So, was she right? Do I also suffer from the fear of commitment? I have not been in any serious relationship for like three years. At first it was because I needed time to heal from a devastating breakup from Jason and then I realized how much I enjoyed being single. I did come close to entering a relationship with all the guys that Lota mentioned but it didn’t work out because, I felt Chike called me too much, Adewale was too serious and James embarrassed me a lot with his public display of affection. Were these genuine reasons to stop seeing them or just excuses not to enter a committed relationship?
I was back at my desk having this moment of introspection when the mail man interrupted me.
“Good Afternoon ma, this is for you” he dropped a big envelope and left
I knew what it was. It was my purse, the one I left on the table when I ditched Abdul for Max. I put it away without opening it because I didn’t want to be reminded of my shameful behavior. As for Abdul, I am sure that nothing will ever bring our paths together again; not after the way I treated him. I still think of him but I can live with only thoughts of him floating in my mind and creating occasional smiles. I call it ‘the art of enjoying the memories’.
I was supposed to see Max later that day at his place. It would be the first time that I’d visit him at home and I was looking forward to it. You get to know a lot more about someone when you visit them at home. I wanted to know more about him, know the real Max behind this handsome guy; maybe getting to know him better will make me want to be in a relationship
“He is not my boyfriend yet” I corrected Ashezi on the phone
“He is not your boyfriend and you ditched someone because of him. If I were him I would think I am your boyfriend sha” she replied as if I asked her
What is it with my friends and trying to push me into a relationship? But wait. What if Max already thinks that he is my boyfriend? No, I don’t think so. We haven’t had ‘the conversation’ yet
“Which stupid conversation? Is it everybody that has the conversation? Do people even talk about it anymore? You like someone, the person likes you and you both go with the flow. Finish” Ashezi pointed out
“Of course people still had the conversation. It isn’t a tough conversation to have… it goes like this ‘I want to be with you…. I want to be with you too’” I thought but then I remembered that I may have said those exact words to him when I was trying to explain my date with Abdul to him. I prayed really hard. I prayed that what Ashezi just said was not true; as I prayed, Lota’s words about my fear of commitment came to my mind again.
“Why do you want to be single?” Ashezi asked
It was a simple question I could not answer. My heart raced at the thought of committing myself to Max and I did not know why. Do I really have a fear of commitment? I mean a bad break up can do it’s number on you but that was years ago and I see no reason why I should be scared to commit to anyone.
You know what? Since I have no single good reason why I want to be single, I will go to Max’s house today after work and commit to him. I really like him and from what I have seen he is a very nice guy; I could grow to love him. So why wait? I will make things with him official.
…Or should I wait?