I’m Asari (Episode 58): I Dreamed But Not Anymore

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of getting married to the most amazing man; I dreamed of having the most beautiful wedding ever… I dreamed of my wedding dress and the type of shoes I was going to wear. I dreamed of the way I was going to walk down the aisle and through the veil that covered my face; I would see the look on my fiancé’s face as he stood at the end of the aisle waiting for me as I walked towards him. I dreamed of that moment a lot and the only thing I saw on his face was pure love.

Growing up, asides the dream I dreamed for myself; my mother dreamed for me too… she used to tell me that she couldn’t wait for me to grow up and meet an amazing man, fall in love and get married. She always told me that my wedding day would be one of her happiest days.

Asides my mother’s dream for me, the society also dreamed for me as well; people often told me that after school, I would get a job and get married. It was like a written destiny, job never came after marriage and marriage was never exempted. It was the most important part of destiny.

If you look at these three dreams, you can easily assume that they are all the same but nope they aren’t; I dreamed of a love fairy tale for myself while my mother dreamed of a good married life for me but society….LOL.

The society knew what it was doing when it promised me marriage without love… marriage is important but marriage does not mean that there is love. Sounds sad right, well it is sad but life is not full of happy moments; life is not a fairy tale, there is no happily ever after. There is only ever after… sometimes happy, sometimes not so happy.

I bet Cinderella never went through a devastating heart break like I did when Abdul was engaged to another woman; I bet sleeping beauty never suffered sleepless nights from the despair of losing someone you love like I did.

Some people say ‘love is all’ and others say ‘love is not enough’ and I never understood what the latter meant but now I do. It is obvious that I am still in love with Abdul and it is possible that I may love him forever but something inside of me wouldn’t let me… something wouldn’t let me be with him.

With Abdul I am scared of going through another heart wrenching pain; I have this fear at the back of my head that if he left me once… when he claimed to love me, he would leave again if I give him another chance.

I may be right, I may be paranoid or I may be suffering PTSD but all in all; the fact is that I don’t want to find out.

“I asked to see you to tell you this” I started; Abdul and I were in a small café close to my house “I think you should move on and forget about me… Derek and I have something good going and I don’t want to ruin it” I told him gently.

He looked at me as if he was expecting me to say more “is that it?” he asked but I was sure of what I was saying and I was determined to let him go forever. “So you don’t love me anymore?” he said with a desperate voice but I was quiet.

“Tell me you don’t love me and I will be gone forever” “Abdul we don’t need…” “No say it… I want to hear you say it” he demanded “I don’t love you. I love Derek” I blurted. It was a lie but I was determined to let him know that this was the end; he was quiet for about thirty seconds and then he called the waiter and ordered a cup of tea.

“What are you doing?” I asked “since this is the last time I am going to see you, I want to make the best of it; I want to have a pleasant memory of it” his words made tears rise in me. I quickly excused myself to go and cry in the bathroom.

When I was done, I went back and we had a pleasant tea party; we talked like it was not over and said goodbye like one of us was dying. It was sad but I am sure that it is the right thing to do. The right thing isn’t always easy… I am definitely sure of it.