“What is on your mind, my love?” “I don’t know what is on my mind mum. I am constantly lost in thoughts and I still can’t figure out what I am thinking”, Biola answered her gaze still on the massive cornfield they drove past
“I remember my first love, I was twenty and he was thirty-one…” “gosh wasn’t he too old for you?” Biola interrupted. “He certainly was because he shattered my heart into a million pieces but I am glad that it happened because it is part of what made me who I am today. There is always that one heartbreak that changes you forever. This is yours although you can decide how it will change you. It will change you whether you like it or not” “What do you mean mum?” “I mean life and death I present before you, which do you choose?”
“Is everything okay!?” the driver’s question pulled her out of her imaginary conversation with her mother. “Yes…yes… I was just saying that the corn season has arrived”, she responded a little bit embarrassed. She was on her way to see her legal guardian Rev. Sister Aloysius
Biola grew up in the convent mostly in the care of Aloysius. She was only two years old when she was brought into her care and she was the only parent she knew. But at times of trouble, she always imagined a conversation about that subject with either her late mother or father depending on what the issue was. It was something, Sis. Aloysius told her to do every time she felt alone or confused. It helped her calm and decipher racing thoughts most of the time.
Biola’s parents died of AIDS; her father first then her mother soon followed two months later. Before he died, her father willed everything he had to her and put Rev. Sis Aloysius as her legal guardian. That was all Aloysius was willing to tell Biola about the death of her parents. Every time she inquired further about how they both got infected, “Biola that is not important what is important is that you are growing to become a fine Christian woman, isn’t it?” Biola then nods hesitantly.
As a child and young adult, Biola was always contented with whatever was given to her not that she lacked any essential thing but the fact that her parents were not around like that of the other kids she met in school didn’t bug her much. She knew that they were in a better place and whining or crying for them would not bring them back.
In her teenage years, she soon grasped that she was being groomed to become a reverend sister and one of her imaginary conversations with her father helped her realize that it was not in her destiny to join the women dedicated to God.
Right before she entered the university she broke the news to Sis. Aloysius, who was not disappointed. “Just promise me that you won’t waste your life; that you will live a life that your parents will be proud of”, her eyes fixed on Biola’s. “How will I know what would make them proud?” “You will my darling… you will”. She took Biola’s hand and put a set of gold rosary beads in her hand.
Biola’s hand unconsciously touched the rosary bead around her neck, her thoughts running through her past like wildfire. Her past, especially the years she stayed in the convent, rushed back to her every time she went to visit Sis. Aloysius but this time she began to entertain thoughts of moving back to live in the convent. “We are here ma…excuse me!” the driver’s voice again pulled her out of her thoughts
Biola waited for Sis. Aloysius in the waiting room “Is that my Biola… my Biola?” The moment Biola heard her voice she ran to her and gave her a huge hug “my darling…” Aloysius continued but stopped with confusion when she noticed that Biola was crying. She held Biola tight to let her cry and cry she did Biola cried and cried for about thirty minutes. Sis. Aloysius believed that crying was the beginning of healing.
When Biola was done crying they discussed everything that was going on with her. Sis. Aloysius lived in a convent that was thirty minutes outside Abuja, right between Abuja and Kogi state. It was a small convent that accommodated only ten Reverend Sisters and a Reverend mother, right across the convent was a small cathedral where they went to worship.
Aloysius was a woman in her early fifties, full of energy and gladness. Even though Biola was not her biological daughter she was very happy when the little girl was brought her way. Initially, the Reverend mother suggested that she should live with the other orphaned kids in the church orphanage but she refused and convinced her that Biola was meant to live with them all in the convent.
As the years went by all the Reverend Sisters in the convent were glad to have a child with them in the convent as they all helped in raising her and Biola was the child everyone loved, always happy and contended.
“Let me tell you something”, Aloysius wiped Biola’s face with a handkerchief. “I have always wanted to be a mother…”, she started. “and I believe that one day you will become one,” Biola replied with an innocent assurance and Sister Aloysius smiled.
“I don’t mean Reverend Mother, I mean become a mother to a child” Biola’s eyes opened with surprise. “Yes! I have always wanted to be a mother but I always knew that God was calling me towards this path to give my life to him. So when I became a Sister the longing for motherhood never went away; I tried to pray it away but it never went away, so I decided to pray for a child… I know it sounds crazy but … yes… I prayed for a child and God gave you to me, a bundle of sweet, sweet joy”. She gently touched Biola’s face and she smiled weakly
“My point is that with God all things are possible, don’t say you can’t live without that boy or God doesn’t want to take the heart break away, God wants you to be happy and the moment you believe that every other thing will be easier for you”. She raised Biola’s chin to look into her eyes and said softly, “He does not deserve you my dear…he never did”.
Sis. Aloysius sat on her bed, her thoughts stopping her from getting ready for mass. “Should I have told her the truth?” Sis. Aloysius wondered. She knew Biola didn’t expect much from her on the topic of men but now that her heart was broken and her mind was disappointed and weak to search for light, should she have told Biola the truth. “Yes,” she thought as she and other reverend sisters were on their way for evening mass. “I should have told her; it would have helped” Sis. Aloysius muttered unconsciously. It was true that Sis. Aloysius knew very little about romantic relationships but she had once loved greatly.
She was an eighteen-year-old postulate when she met Francis a twenty-three-year-old accountant who took on some accountancy duties for the parish when he could. It was all very innocent because it took both of them by surprise and Francis was around the parish more often hoping she would come around and she did the same. His mother was very happy that her son was getting closer to God and the other reverend sisters had no idea because Sis. Aloysius was all too careful.
They only talked when they were together and it always felt like magic “Please stop… I am begging you… I have no power to resist you and I would feel very guilty if we do it”, she said to him as he held her and leaned in for a kiss; he wondered why she thought he had the power to resist her when all he wanted to do was steal her away and never look back.
“Marry me” he responded, her shaking knees finally gave way and she fell but he caught her halfway. “I know but I can’t stop myself, Mary… I love you, I am crazy about you; the way you talk, laugh, walk, blink your eyes like this when you are afraid”. He touched her face and turned it slowly so he could see her eyes, she was already crying.
Read also: Biola Kila (Episode 4) Beautiful Mary
“I know you are committed to God but I would be a coward not to ask anyway” he continued but she pulled away and stood to leave, he held her hand and put something in her palm. It was a ring. That night she prayed and prayed, cried and cried for an answer, she loved him… too much she believed. She wondered why she never felt guilty for loving him, it was a sign she decided, a sign to accept him and she did accept to marry him.
“Biola would be encouraged if I tell her this story… the truth.. the whole truth” she thought and sighed deeply. “Mary are you okay?” Sis. Maria asked her from the other side of the dinner table. Sis. Aloysius ate nothing at all but sat there thinking about Biola as always… Biola, her beloved daughter.
The room did not feel as suffocating as it did the night before, Biola laid down on her back, her fingers unconsciously drawing on the air. Her mind filled with only one person… Gregory Lar. She hated him for what he did to her but missed him so much and loathed herself for still having feelings for him. She knew that if he divorced his wife and came back to her she would still accept him. “He is not going to leave her… stupid bitch”, she sighed and wiped the tears on her cheeks. “Maybe I didn’t pay attention to him as much as she did,” Biola said out loud. “I should have lost weight and upped my fashion game”, she continued pulling her folding stomach.
“Maybe he loved me too much and got scared, men get very scared of their emotions… oh my god!! He really was scared”, a smile slowly appeared on her face but it quickly disappeared. Biola busted into tears, “he married her… he left…he married that fake girl”.
She flung her pillow at the wall and wailed louder, she didn’t care if her neighbors heard. “He married her… he really did and I was the ugly fool who tried to stop the wedding”. It was very hard for her, sometimes she was calm when she tried to believe that he did not deserve her. Then she was anxious when she thought about going back to work and hated him for everything. Then hated herself for hating him because hate is a sin, missed him because she loved him then hated herself again for still loving him. It was a demonic emotional roller coaster and she wisely detected that she was gradually losing her mind. So she quickly dared herself to resume work the next day.
While sitting on her desk trying to do her work quietly, she noticed the mocking looks she got from her colleagues, then overheard two of her colleagues mocking her. The emotions she had been holding back since the morning she came in metamorphosed into some kind of rage.
“How could you tell everyone what happened”, she was ready to fight Efe in the midst of everyone. Efe denied it but Biola did not believe her till Efe reminded her that she was not the only one who knew the story. Before they knew what was going on, Biola was already throwing punches at Doshima and dragging her around the bathroom floor. It took two security men to stop the fight, their clothes were torn. Doshima’s lower lip was busted and Biola’s face was bleeding from a deep scratch.
“You are freaking crazy… that’s why he left your ugly ass… you ugly bitch”. After being reprimanded by their supervisor and sent home for the day Biola went home feeling really sick and ashamed of herself; fighting was something she always felt was beneath her.
She sat on her bed thinking of the words Doshima had said to her “you are an ugly bastard…that’s why he left you because of your ugliness… you were never good enough for him and you never will”. The words kept chiming like a bell over and over again in her mind. She brought out the antidote Madame Deloris gave to her and looked at the bottle with its content for a while – thinking about the things the woman said to her “you will have the beauty of seven mermaids combined but you will have no heart”.
“Who needs a heart anyway,” she thought. Biola stripped herself, stood in front of the mirror and repeated the words asked of her before drinking the entire content in the bottle. As she swallowed, she felt it burn her throat and stomach. The burn settled in her body and increased rapidly. Within a minute her insides were on fire and she was in indescribable pain. She struggled to reach her phone and call for help but she couldn’t move. She laid on the ground groaning with blood dripping from her mouth. The portion was poison and it was going to kill her if she let it.